Are you new to gohlkusmaximus, or just the kind of person who likes to read introductions? If so, you'll love the introduction.
Seriously, it is important to fill out your Census form. Or, if you need a job, work for them.
I happened to like the fact that they have logos available that feature a variety of languages, including German. I guess there are still some people that natively speak a form of German in the US, but not many.
This is one thing I did the afternoon of New Year’s Eve, during the week in which I was failing to clean my apartment.
I had a bit of a brainstorm after washing out this Kikkoman soy sauce bottle. I always have a few soy sauce packets around left over from Suruki’s take-out sushi (it’s usually packaged with two packets but I only ever use one). I never really know what to do with them other than toss them in the fridge (or add them to the pile of random detritus on the coffee table). But one of the things that always amuses me (if only me) is the strident command on the Kikkoman soy sauce bottle to REFILL it ONLY WITH KIKKOMAN. (I used it for homemade vinaigrette for a while. Sorry, Kikkoman.)
The rest is documented photographically.
This payphrase thing is ridiculous. Who came up with this crap?
As if I want to pay for my Amazon purchases by entering the phrase “Jason’s Romantic Mistakes.” Are they kidding? These are some other winning suggestions:
etc., etc. Seriously, what?
I only discovered it was the 29th anniversary of John Lennon’s death tonight, hanging out at Good News Cafe with some of my nicest neighbors.
I recently stumbled upon a recording of Paul McCartney performing at Shea Stadium last summer and was really touched to hear him play “Here Today,” McCartney’s tribute to John Lennon from his 1982 album “Tug of War”. I remember listening to my mom’s vinyl copy of that album (which I’m pretty sure she still has somewhere) on big headphones in my living room, growing up.
The other day I looked up the chords to the song, and tonight I decided to record myself singing and playing it. This is the first thing I’ve recorded that I actually feel is good enough to release to the world, so here’s my debut MP3: Jason Gohlke covering “Here Today” on December 8, 2009.
…walking home, you notice that someone has carefully secured their shopping cart to a post with a U-lock.
The elevators at my workplace went out yesterday for a time. I took the elevator this morning and noticed it pause a little on the 10th floor. I work on the top floor, the 11th.
So far today (for coffee, and lunch) I’ve gone up 22 flights of stairs and down 22. At the end of the day it’ll be down 33.
I figure it’s a good source of motivation for me to do something that uses less electricity and gets me exercising a little bit. Let’s see how long I stick with it.
[A story, from the personal archives of gohlkus maximus, c. 2002.]
* * *
“When were you born?”
“Exactly 100 years ago today.”
A slight pause ensued. “Ah. Well. It says here on the, uh, sheet — it says you’re 26.”
“26, 100, what’s the difference?”
“Indeed,” the reply came, with a barely perceptible quizzical smile. “Well, all right.”
* * *
He, non-descript, pudgy, short, sat in a bland cafeteria in a brick office building. He stared pensively at, not through, the smoky plexiglas windows. Brushy shrubs failed to catch his attention as they swayed ever so slightly in the shifting wind.
After lunch and the sports section, both guilty pleasures, it was back upstairs.
“Are you still writing that story?”
“No, I gave it up.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t going anywhere.”
A slight, uncomfortable pause. “Come on, you’re a talented guy. I’ve read the stuff on your website; I’m sure you can write a decent story.”
“I don’t know. I keep getting caught up in this dialogue between undefined characters. I think the idea is to make it ‘universal,’ but I’m not doing a very good job of it.”
“Huh. Yeah. That is a problem.”
“See? Why go on?”
“Well….”
“Yes?”
“Why not? Maybe someone will enjoy it, or understand what you’re trying to get at, or feel something because of it….” The reply trailed off.
“‘Feel something,’ such as, ‘I just wasted my time,” or ‘This guy is a moron’?”
“Yes! That exactly. It’s better than nothing.”
* * *
He snored, which caused him grief. His live-in former girlfriend couldn’t fall asleep next to him; it took her longer than it did him — and, of course, he was snoring before she was anywhere near sleep.
His first attempt to solve the problem was to use Breathe-Right strips. The solution itself was problematic, since it was difficult to remember to apply them every night. Further, the routine that was necessary for the strip to function properly — wash nose, dry nose thoroughly, blow nose, brush teeth, peel backing from strip, apply strip just! so! — usually created such an unusual state of alertness at bedtime that it became difficult for him to get to sleep. The upshot of his snoring and otherwise (apparently) uninspiring lifestyle was that she left him.
* * *
Bar. Night. Wisconsin.
“I think it’s wishful thinking that it was just your snoring that, uh, prompted her to leave.”
“I did acknowledge the lifestyle somewhat.”
“But you minimized it significantly.”
“… True.”
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